My Life As Maddie
Only time will tell what happens to me. I don’t want to spoil the story before I can tell you how I got there, but I should inform you that I have never been so depressed in my life as I am at this moment. Right now, I’m sitting in the living room on the couch of house that my mom left me when she died last week thinking that this is the only thing that is holding me to this world. However, before you think that I’m this suicidal bitch who just want attention with her goodbye note before she kills herself, let’s just say that I have been there, done that, learned that lesson and am not looking to relive that experience ever again.
I am just a 27 year old woman going through a midlife crisis earlier in life than would be expected. I cannot seem to motivate myself into moving from this couch. There no one I can call to help me. My one friend in the whole world Katelynn is in a remote village in the Middle East working for Doctor Without Borders providing clinical care for the people of the region. She only calls every 2 weeks or so as a check-in. Kat just called me 6 days ago which was 2 days before my mom passed, so I won’t hear from her for another week at least.
Today is the day of my mom’s funeral. Moreover, I have 6 hours to motivate myself into caring enough to attend the service. It not that I didn’t love my mom, she has been my rock ever since my dad left when I was 5 to start a new family a few towns over with his mistress who he got pregnant. My mom was the last bit of true family that I had, and she knew everything that I have been going through in the past ten months which have been the worst time of my life. Losing her was just the shit frosting top with cherry shaped shit and shit cream topping to the shit cake my life has been lately.
I will go into more details about the events that have lead me to this point in time later because if I go into those right now, I will never get up from this couch anytime soon. I know my mom wouldn’t want me to hide in my hurt like I do whenever things get to be too much for me
I focus on her hugs that came at the times when they were needed the most and the life she gave me with nothing from anyone else. She would provide for us, making sure that we had anything that we needed or wanted. My dad is a dirtbag who was no help in our lives after he left. My mom was the definition of independent, and if she could take care of me during all hurt and never let me see the pain she was in, I can at least make sure that she gets the goodbye she deserves
I force myself to get up and make my way up the stairs that I haven’t been up since that day and look towards the right. As I glance at the door to her room which is slightly adjure from the day I found her dead in her bed from a stroke in her sleep. I look in the hall mirror in front of me and don’t recognize greasy hair dirty female I see in it. I got everything I need to do done in one day to set up for her funeral then I just fell apart. I haven’t answered the door I just left a box of the flyer with funeral details and posted the details on social media then sat on the couch for three days. Now its time to get back to the world. For stop a shower.
To Be Continued…